Dear Coleen,
I am actually in no position to talk except for the fact that many people ask me to officiate their wedding ceremonies. I think this has always been a little funny to me because I am not married myself and I don't advertise to people that I facilitate wedding ceremonies. I am close to lots of people and lead other kinds of rituals and so I get asked. Personally, I can also speak because I have been engaged for over seven years now. I've had my own struggles with my feelings about legal marriage. Here in Massachusetts EVERYBODY can get married right now too! Anyhow I am an advocate for ritual and ceremony and bringing intention to rites of passages in our lives.

From many conversations I've had the cultural "wedding ceremony" has become a mega million dollar business and upholds traditions of things that young couples don't feel like they can get out of if they head down that road. And as your post suggests too there is so much superficial in the culture at large that what is real, authentic and meaningful gets lost in the "professionalism" of a wedding. The right dress, the right caterer, the right rings, the right venue, the right photographer.....blah, blah, blah until you are 20K poorer. Enough to make you sick I am sure even if you do have the money to spend.

I wonder however as I read your post if you are not actually talking about defending your self from that kind of wedding and then kind of throwing the baby out with the bath water. The reason why is that when you are creative, love your partner, your family, your communities, and have someone who can facilitate everyone in having a very real time, a wedding ceremony can by a beautiful symbol, a promise, an anchoring of all that your love holds. It is not the end. It is the beginning. You have the power believe it or not to make the ceremony be what you want it to be. You can share with your guests what you want them to receive in witnessing your love. You are actually gifting the community with your love. And from this creative place the sky is the limit in your own definition and intention of what you want to craft.

There is an early suffragist who used her wedding ceremony to be a platform for her beliefs! She designed an entirely new wedding contract for people to consider.

From this place you can do anything you want to. Wear a flaming red dress. Or have him wear one. It is so open to interpretation once you reclaim it as your own. There is nothing that you need to do from the classic text book. So then the question becomes what kind of ceremony is yours to do, yours to live? And all of what you believe in (as it is clear that you both hold similar beliefs) get to be woven in.

Anyhow, it is my experience that the weddings I have been a part of are so sacred and not to be missed. Everyone feels alive. The photographers are constantly telling me that this was the best wedding they'd ever been to in their career. This tells me that it can be good if the ceremony is perhaps held differently. I am not saying it is because of me. I am saying it is because ceremony itself can be very nourishing when it is not dogmatic or stiff. How is it held differently? Everyone is invited to be a part of it. It is the feeling the goose-bumps because we are all in something precious together. It is something that is beautiful and accessed by the people present. The love is palpable to everyone. It is not fake. It is inspirational. And since it is yours, it is original. One of a kind only able to be expressed as the couple that is you.

Having said all this, remember that I still am not married and I love my sweetie now going on nine years. If you don't want to have a ceremony, don't have one. It is best to follow your gut. But don't rip your self off from having a ceremony just to battle the status quo. Make it yours. Make it real. If you communicate as well as you did on your post, everyone coming will follow the directions that you give and that the two of you want.

In closing, let's think about your funeral. Strange I know but there is point to it. You obviously won't be here but still there is most likely going to be some ceremony to honor your life. You can fight it if you want to but there will be people who really want to get together to say how great it was to know you and how you touched their lives. Now we could argue that a ceremony is not the point just as you did with your wedding. It was the life you lived that mattered so let's just forgo the hoopla and move on. You know there would be something missing; some opportunity for us to be in the love together to say how we were touched, inspired, maybe even changed. Weddings my dear Coleen have the same potency. They may be being commercialized right now but we can take back the reins of what is the real deal there. They serve a purpose and one of them is for our families to come together and celebrate what is good in this short life.
If I ever get married, I am for sure going to have a ceremony that leaves everyone crying and laughing. One they will never forget. There will be dancers, singers, musicians, and artists! And as for our love, it is all ready way intact. The wedding ceremony is simply the frosting on the cake. Perhaps on our tenth anniversary! Many blessings to you.

Coleen,

I think that your very first sentence is the answer to your question. A good compormise might be to keep the wedding private and then honor the celebration of your marriage by sharing it with your inner circle family/friends in a small party. But I wouldn't worry about offending anyone...remember that this is your day and your life. Keeping your heart open is the most important thing.

Congratulations!
Tara-jenelle

C,

I'm in a similar situation, and I've been doing lots of soul searching and researching this matter myself.

I've decided its really okay to make the marriage ceremony what you want between the two people most involved.
I thing communication to family members and friends before hand, as far as you can is the key.

I've told my parent of your plans and friends. They are a little disappointed at first understandably because they really
love us and want to celebrate with us. I still wabbling in decision making, we've decided to get married on the beach in Kauii on 3-3-09.
I want a private ceremony between me and my sweetie. I'm still thinking about maybe a spring party kinda of informal to celebrate afterwards.

I would sent out some post announcements telling friends and family we got married.

I think just really communicating your feelings to your family and friends and telling them its nothing personal, just your true wishes for this intimate ceremony that is between you and your partner. I see so much crass commercialism developed from our modern cultural wedding customs, seems so much ego is involved in the whole thing. Make your own traditions, follow your heart and intuition.

I remind myself that no customary traditional wedding ceremony is a guarantee of life long successful marriage. The divorce rate proves that. I've tried to remove myself from the superstitiousness and guilt built into this system. Let's just be free to choose what's right for us.
But other people do have different feelings and opinions on this, so just keep everyone in the loop early and try to communicate as best as possible what you want, what you think, and tell them is not about them.